Thursday, 15 January 2015

To have

I started this post wanting to rage on about how stopping feeding has left me shattered and emotional, how life has changed in unexpected ways since having Alba, the people that have become negative as time has passed and how sad it's made me, parental divorce, my health worries and the lack of sun. Worries about what people think. But what the hell, this isn't a place for that. More to the point, that's not me. Hello to those worries up there ^ ^ yeh, you, I see you and I hear you, but I have given you too much of my time already. And I don't give a damn, so go and float up into the sky and begone!

My other tabs open have had me trying to fast forward again. I am off and away in some land where the sun shines, Alba is swimming blissfully and I have a book and a pair of enormous sunglasses. We have patio doors wide open, there are cicadas in the trees and the warmth of the sun tells me it's around midday. Always the vision. Always the same wish for every birthday, Christmas and moment of self propel - zoom. A rush. A flutter.

Staying in right now, where life is happening for real, I have to say that my eyes well up when I think about how lucky I am. Sometimes it leaves me with a gasp, the love that consumes me in the most natural way in the world now, as a parent. She's a wild thing, with a vibrant sense of humour and tricks up every sleeve, a twinkle in the eye and a cackle I now know so well. Words she understands and conversations are made every which way. Kind, sweet and with such attention to detail, loves books, animated discussions and cats. Yogurt, porridge and fruit loaf are her favourite foods and she like her mama, she knows breakfast is Queen.

Also, my Mr and the cats. We dance, fight, chatter, slouch, walk, ponder and gesticulate at each other. Emails, errors, kisses, feasts, wine, discussions, devil's advocates, dark chocolate. He's so funny and annoying and I like him. I mostly like the cats, but one needs so many hugs during the night, the other is sweet, silly and messy. The smaller cuddled up to me the other night when I was feeling down in the valley of despair (drama is more extreme at 3am) at night and that comfort sent me off to sleep.

Acts of kindness from you, to you and to yourself. That's what I have learnt. Be kind. Think outside of yourself and love what you HAVE. The flutter.